The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
