I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
