first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
