I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize