Nicole vs. Life
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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