We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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