Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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