you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
