i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
