I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
