We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
