Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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