we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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