she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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