I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
