I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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