If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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