matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
