Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
