I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
