Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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