You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
