i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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