I like my sex mixed with concussions.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
