i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
