Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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