remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize