Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
