i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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