Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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