seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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