ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
