yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
