Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
