I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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