I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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