420 ftw
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
