theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize