Don't make out with my wife yet
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize