btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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