Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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