I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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