That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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