haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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