I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize