you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
