How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
