Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
