Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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