The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
