I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
