Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
