Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
