so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
