My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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