i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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