She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
